Last of the Bingo fics
Jun. 28th, 2018 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cmk418Prompt: Dirty Talk
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters: Penny, Amy/Sheldon
Word Count: 514
“You want me to do what?”
“I want you to teach Sheldon some dirty phrases to use on me.”
“Sheldon Cooper? The guy who says ‘malarkey’ instead of ‘bullshit’? That Sheldon Cooper?”
“Yes. I’m going to a neurobiology symposium next month and I thought it would be fun to try phone sex.”
“With Sheldon.”
“I’m hoping to gain some satisfaction from a bit of auditory stimulation.”
“Because I guess ‘I want you to have’,” Penny winced, “’coitus with me’ just isn’t cutting it.”
“Oh no, that one still gets my panties off. But I want the real stuff. The stuff guys say to you, but not Leonard, because that’s weird.”
“It is weird,” Penny agreed. After two years of marriage, Leonard still hadn’t gotten the hang of it.
“So will you do it?”
Two days later, Penny cornered Sheldon in the laundry room. “Amy wants me to teach you how to have phone sex.”
“Why on earth would she want me to do that and why on earth would she think that you should be the person to teach me?”
“Because, as you enjoy pointing out, I have a bit more experience in these matters than you do.”
“Yes, but you’re a woman, surely you can see how that would color the conversation.”
“I am also an actress. Actress turned drug rep, but still actress.”
“Why would Amy want to have coitus over the phone? Is that even possible?”
“No one has coitus over the phone. They have sex. I’m surprised you aren’t more into this. No physical contact, just your whiny nasal voice screeching out words to turn Amy on.”
“Can’t I just get her a parrot?”
“No.”
“Fine. Let’s say I attempt this. That means she’s going to want me to talk like that all of the time.”
Penny bit out a laugh. “No one’s going to want that, sweetie.”
“Then why…”
“Because it’s fun.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Well, the first thing is, you can’t use two words, ‘coitus’ and ‘moist’. Just skip them. Take them right out of your vocabulary. Words with ‘k’ sounds are the best. Fuck, suck, dick, lick, cock, cunt.”
“That last one doesn’t have a ‘k’ in it, just a ‘c’ that sounds like a ‘k’.”
“Very good, Sheldon. You know how to spell.”
“I’ve never been very good with profanity. Perhaps a metaphor would work just as well.”
“What kind of metaphor?”
“Well, the old movies always used to use the image of a train going through the tunnel when the two leading characters were supposed to have coitus. I could work with something like that.”
“Sure you could,” said Penny, pleased to be let off the hook.
After the symposium, Amy marched into Penny’s apartment. “I asked you to teach Sheldon dirty talk and all he did was talk about trains for two hours!”
“It was supposed to be a metaphor.”
“It was? All that talk about laying track and the vibrations of some kind of locomotive. And the hills and the valleys and the-“ her voice trailed off. “Oh!” She blinked. “Gotta go!”
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters: Penny, Amy/Sheldon
Word Count: 514
“You want me to do what?”
“I want you to teach Sheldon some dirty phrases to use on me.”
“Sheldon Cooper? The guy who says ‘malarkey’ instead of ‘bullshit’? That Sheldon Cooper?”
“Yes. I’m going to a neurobiology symposium next month and I thought it would be fun to try phone sex.”
“With Sheldon.”
“I’m hoping to gain some satisfaction from a bit of auditory stimulation.”
“Because I guess ‘I want you to have’,” Penny winced, “’coitus with me’ just isn’t cutting it.”
“Oh no, that one still gets my panties off. But I want the real stuff. The stuff guys say to you, but not Leonard, because that’s weird.”
“It is weird,” Penny agreed. After two years of marriage, Leonard still hadn’t gotten the hang of it.
“So will you do it?”
Two days later, Penny cornered Sheldon in the laundry room. “Amy wants me to teach you how to have phone sex.”
“Why on earth would she want me to do that and why on earth would she think that you should be the person to teach me?”
“Because, as you enjoy pointing out, I have a bit more experience in these matters than you do.”
“Yes, but you’re a woman, surely you can see how that would color the conversation.”
“I am also an actress. Actress turned drug rep, but still actress.”
“Why would Amy want to have coitus over the phone? Is that even possible?”
“No one has coitus over the phone. They have sex. I’m surprised you aren’t more into this. No physical contact, just your whiny nasal voice screeching out words to turn Amy on.”
“Can’t I just get her a parrot?”
“No.”
“Fine. Let’s say I attempt this. That means she’s going to want me to talk like that all of the time.”
Penny bit out a laugh. “No one’s going to want that, sweetie.”
“Then why…”
“Because it’s fun.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Well, the first thing is, you can’t use two words, ‘coitus’ and ‘moist’. Just skip them. Take them right out of your vocabulary. Words with ‘k’ sounds are the best. Fuck, suck, dick, lick, cock, cunt.”
“That last one doesn’t have a ‘k’ in it, just a ‘c’ that sounds like a ‘k’.”
“Very good, Sheldon. You know how to spell.”
“I’ve never been very good with profanity. Perhaps a metaphor would work just as well.”
“What kind of metaphor?”
“Well, the old movies always used to use the image of a train going through the tunnel when the two leading characters were supposed to have coitus. I could work with something like that.”
“Sure you could,” said Penny, pleased to be let off the hook.
After the symposium, Amy marched into Penny’s apartment. “I asked you to teach Sheldon dirty talk and all he did was talk about trains for two hours!”
“It was supposed to be a metaphor.”
“It was? All that talk about laying track and the vibrations of some kind of locomotive. And the hills and the valleys and the-“ her voice trailed off. “Oh!” She blinked. “Gotta go!”
